NZMUC 2017 Preview:
By team captain
A carefully woven tale of life, love and Kevin.
Let's see if Squall have the bite to back up their bark.
Give us a short history of your team
In the beginning there was nothing. A pure, impenetrable nothingness that simply...was.
The nothingness cannot be described. It wasn’t big - because it had no size; it wasn’t black - because it had no colour; it wasn’t angry - because it had nothing to anger it. Nothing was at peace. And it was good.
If you're a returning team, who's in and who's out from last years (or previous years) side?
Then, one day, something happened.
Kevin - have I mentioned Kevin? Yes, Kevin was there, too. He coexisted alongside the nothingness. The nothingness didn’t think much about Kevin because Kevin was quiet and never bothered the nothingness while it slept - which was often. But then, very early one morning, Kevin crept into its bedroom, slid a firework beneath its bed, and lit it.
The explosion filled the heavens with light and glory that would last a thousand eons. In a single instant, millions of vast bodies sprang into being and expanded to fill the beautiful void that the nothingness had called home.
It was a battle that could not be won. As the matter continued to grow and spread, the nothingness receded. Soon only a hint of nothingness remained, a mere splinter of its former majesty.
What are your goals for the tournament?
Kevin, with his broad, new collection of sensory inputs, grew increasingly more active. His first decree was that there would forevermore be both night and day, a stinging rebuke of the nothingness and its clear preference for night and night only.
The next day he introduced the sky and the sea. He found the creation process exhausting but oddly satisfying. It was as if he had been waiting through all eternity for just this one moment.
On the next day he added land to his budding world, thereby creating the first beach (we should all thank Kevin for beaches).
Growing more ambitious with each day, Kevin next churned out the stars, the sun, the moon, and then hordes of sea creatures and birds, and then land animals, and finally he moulded mankind itself.
Then, showcasing an extraordinary command of his own self-control, Kevin...stopped. He stopped creating things and rested. He cast his gaze out upon the world he had built and he smiled. It was good.
And the nothingness receded even further, until the world had forgotten about it - forgotten what it was like before all these things had appeared. Time sped up; the world grew into a bustling heap of fish, birds, mammals, and people in active wear. But the nothingness did not forget.
How would you sum up your team in 3 words?
The nothingness waited.
Who should we be looking out for?
Kevin kept up with his creative gift, but he was becoming bored.
He started experimenting. Venomous spiders, killer jellyfish, flightless birds, and the platypus - all failed projects that quite embarrassed him, so he shuffled them away to islands on the very outskirts of civilization, hoping nobody would find them.
Then one day Kevin decided he was done. He didn’t want to create anymore, he longed to retire. So he started one final project. He called her Susan. When he was done he took Susan’s hand and said to her: “you are in charge of the world now. All of this - all of nature -belongs to you. You are its mother. I am going.
And so he went. Kevin had created his last creation. He took up reading. He joined a squash club. He rested.
Who are you most looking forward to playing?
Susan looked out upon her new world and saw that it was good. But it could be better, she thought. She went to work.
She invented sunny days, jigsaw puzzles, beach houses, and even started Labour Day. And that was just the start. When she saw the happiness her inventions brought to the people of Earth, she rejoiced and made more things. Waterfalls, dried mango, the Cook Strait, dairy farming, laundry baskets, anti-inflammatory drugs, spray tans - all were products of Susan’s assiduous hand.
She was happy; the people were happy.
But the nothingness was not.
What do you think of the 'endzone decides' rules?
As time passed, Susan saw that people were growing restless.. She saw that they no longer went to the beach on Labour Day, they couldn’t spare a glance for a passing waterfall, and they were no longer getting spray tans. She wondered why.
One day it occurred to her- they took it for granted. If every day was sunny, then sunshine wasn’t special. If mangoes were available year-round, then nobody would crave them. She understood what she had to do.
She studied meteorology at a local community college and started crafting the weather. Overcast days, rain, and low pressure systems - she built a comprehensive global weather system in 3 business days. And she saw that it wasn’t good - and that was good.
In the event of a zombie apocalypse, which team do you think would be the first to go, and why? And who would you team up with?
And the nothingness saw what she had done and began to stir. The smell of rain was the smell of opportunity.
The nothingness rose and crept close to Susan. It whispered in her ear, seducing her, infecting her with its dedication to nothing.
“But,” Susan said, “look at all this stuff.” She gestured to the world and all the things in it. The nothingness nodded. It knew its outlook was still bleak.
“One thing,” Susan said. “I’ll grant you one wish.” The nothingness thought, and then whispered one final word into her ear. She lurched back, horrified by what it had whispered.
“No, not that.” But she looked into the nothingness and saw that it was earnest. And she knew she must fulfill her promise. And so she turned and raised her hands. She took the clouds and lifted them. She made deep pockets of heat and large masses of cold. And then she grabbed the wind and kissed it, giving it life.
The wind was alive, and it was hungry. It also had a name.
Squall tore out into the world. It trimmed mountains, carved canyons, razed buildings, and converted perfectly useful umbrellas into utter scrap.
The people saw it and were afraid. Susan, realising her great error, covered her mouth in terror. The nothingness looked upon the world smiled. It had the only tool it needed to bring back the void.
Nothing...not the sun, not the world’s feeble superheroes, not even a perfect mix tape...could stand in its way.
Even Kevin - the all-powerful, super positive, firework-loving Kevin - was powerless against the might of the Squall
The nothingness was back. And the world was doomed.