21-Year-Old Dramatically Retires From Ultimate Following Mild Disappointment

Emotional headcase, Marty ‘Wizz Fizz’ Ohio, has emphatically retired from the sport of Ultimate following a universe point loss at Monday night league.

Ohio, an established Div I Nationals player, was so shaken by his “stacked” team’s shock loss to ‘Panic at the Disc’ that he has vowed never to touch a frisbee again. The 21-year-old posted a nostalgic team picture to Instagram with the caption, “Hanging up the cleats for good, I'M OUT, BABY!”. Ohio posted on Facebook too (below), but deleted it when the comments turned sour. He is also trying to sell his merch to uni rookies at extortionate prices.


Friends close to ‘Wizz Fizz’ think this retirement has been a long time coming. After some burnout, poor Nationals results and niggly hamstring issues, a crushing defeat to a team with a pun in its name was too much to bear. Especially because Panic at the Disc is captained by his ex-girlfriend’s smug ex-boyfriend, who caught the winning goal off a heinous floaty hammer.

Despite the dramatics, Ohio is a huge nerd and will probably arrive sheepishly on-time to next Monday’s game.

No one ever really escapes this sport.