Paper Beats Rock But WTF Beats a Dragon?: Putting AUL Namesakes in a Dense, Conceptual Thunderdome, For Some Reason: The Finale
Hi, g’day, we’re back. The response to the last article was so <insert one of: crazy, unexpectedly intense, tepid, very abusive, cruel, or crushingly small> that we’re back again! And how about that comment from that person about that thing! I didn’t pre-write this article in early May! I'm not still on holiday! So here we are with part three and four. Are you ready? Are you sure?
If you haven’t read the first half of this “treatise”, I reckon you should click here. This whole thing will be really, really weird if you don’t. Not saying that it won’t be weird anyway, but at least for you committed readers it’s weird with context. Also there’s still a lot of swear words so don’t read it if that’s not your jam.
Part III: Let’s Get Ready To Rumble
We’re going to start with the Suns match ups because I’m a huge Dave Andrews fan and these scuffles are pretty hectic.
Twelve G-type main sequence stars are very hot, and very dense, and very big. Like, compared to the rest of the mascots they’re just enormous. Every tangible competitor within such close range of twelve actual suns will be instantly eviscerated. That is, wins against the Flames, the Breakers, the Freeze and the Dragons are so absolute and comprehensive and immediate that they’re not even worth talking about.
But then the Suns face the Power. As lamented in Part II, power is vague and ethereal. It has no physical body; in the Thunderdome, Perth are represented by a big, magic, conceptual cloud. It cannot be immediately eviscerated. And so the battle begins and, at first, nothing happens. There’s a little confusion and maybe a bit of growing tension among the Suns, who look at one another with increasing frustration. “I don’t get it... This usually works?” one of them says. Then there is a long, pregnant pause. “Hey,” that same Sun says, “are we getting closer to each other?”
Dr Tam Davis and her internationally renowned astrophysics will take it from here...
“If twelve suns were close to each other this would likely lead to some very unstable orbits. A few will probably have close encounters with the others and get flung out of the system (rejected!). The rest would eventually merge... if they were massive enough, that merger would result in a supernova explosion, and since they're unlikely to all merge at the same time, that explosion would probably blast off the outer layers of some of the nearby ones. Eventually they'd all merge and because that combination is probably pretty heavy, they'll turn into a black hole. I think that could be the ultimate demise of the Suns, because after ejecting some of their members, frying some of the others, and colliding with each other in an all-embracing cataclysm, they've made a black hole.”
Tam might be being clever here, making some kind of subverted astrophysical metaphor about the Sydney Suns team culture, but I honestly am not smart enough to know. In any case, they lose to the Power. They go 4-1 in pool play.
Wins: Flames, Breakers, Freeze, Dragons
Losses: Power - How could you do this to us Alex Gan?? >:(
You wouldn’t believe how long this^ took me.
The Melbourne Flames are a pretty exciting prospect - I mean, a 10,000 square kilometre fire is a force to be reckoned with, even without Prentice, Woodley, Gak, Deller(s) or Alby on their roster. Despite a quick evisceration in their game against the Suns, Melbourne steady the ship throughout the regular season. The sheer bigness of their blaze is enough to melt Canberra without too much trouble, and the Dragons (poor Dragons) don’t put up much of a fight either. I mean, what are they going to do, literally fight fire with fire? It's a great idiom, sure, but it doesn’t make a lot of practical sense. Firemen do not use flamethrowers to save homes and lives. You’re kidding yourselves, Dragons. Seriously. Get out of here.
Then the Flames find themselves facing the Power. Without anything for either side to really defeat, the match up is a bit of a fizzer. Ultimately, the Power only really heighten the strength of the Flames, but the Flames have nothing to burn because power is intangible (really regretting that choice now), and so the Thunderdome sees its first draw. As per the ground rules from Part I, ties are settled by shirt colour veracity, and so the red flames come away with the full two points.
Finally, the Flames meet the Breakers. Though they survive the first few waves, 15,826 square kilometres of ocean eventually wears them down and extinguishes the fire. They go 3-2 in pool play. Commendable, but I imagine not what Cupcake or Rob moved interstate for. Bet you’re feeling pretty silly now hey boys?
Wins: Canberra, Dragons, Power (by the skin of their teeth)
Losses: Suns, Breakers
The Breakers. Ugh. Man. I wish I could just make them lose every game because I hate their name but no, I decided to take this stupid hypothetical premise really seriously and I’ve got to see it through.
Off the back of a big win against the Flames, the Breakers are feeling pretty good about their match up with the Freeze. As outlined in part one, Canberra is fighting in the Thunderdome in the form of an 814 square kilometre sheet of ice. And so, obviously, the Breakers absolutely shit on them - essentially wiping out our nation’s capital with a comparatively supermassive tsunami. They drown everyone in like two waves, shatter the ice sheet in seven, completely cover the whole of the ACT in ten, and still have enough water left to make Queanbeyan kind of damp. An easy two points for Brisbane. They also shit on the Dragons because of course they do, Dragons can’t swim.
The Breakers and their loud, Queensslllaaander, big-dog-ayuuu vibe carry them forward in pool play. They become consumed by the whole “8 str8” spirit and think that they’ve got this Perth game in the bag. But they don’t.
Both entities arrive in the Thunderdome and the match up begins. The Breakers roll in their first wave and... miss. Of course they miss; there’s nothing to hit. The magic, intangible cloud of Power, meanwhile, is able to harness the tidal force of the wave to generate electrical energy. The second wave rolls in and the same thing happens. And again. And again. And again seven more times until there’s only one wave left and the cloud is overflowing with renewable energy. It shoots a lightning bolt of sustainable electricity in the shape of the Perth Power logo straight at the final wave, which fizzles and sparkles and starts to smoke.
The Breakers lose, meaning they too have gone 3-2 in pool play. What an exciting competition it is this year.
Fuck me dead how are there still three teams to go?
The Canberra Freeze are yet to win a battle in the Thunderdome. They were eviscerated by the Suns, melted by the Flames, and drowned by the Breakers. Their heads are down. They don’t really want to be in the Thunderdome. Like me, writing this excessively long article, The Freeze have sort of forgotten why they signed up to be here in the first place and would really like to do something else.
They arrive at the Thunderdome set to face the Power. When the game starts, the Freeze passively wait to be killed. Their first three matchups were so brutal, why should this one be any different? But then a few minutes pass and they find that they’re still alive. Pessimistic Bureaucrats and Mooseheads patrons come out of their ice caves and start to dare to dream - they might actually win this one. Yes, they might indeed! They’re fighting against power! That’s Canberra’s bread and fucking butter! That’s literally why Canberra exists! The beating heart of Australia’s democracy isn’t going to lose to Power, it’s going to tear power apart, spread it among a select few, wield it, control it, corrupt it, lose it, get it back, lose it again, and on an on ad infinitum.
The Canberra Freeze conquer Power. Do they then ultimately defeat themselves with it before the end of the next term? Probably, but they win this AUL game at least. And they beat the Dragons as well. Good on ‘em.
2-3 in pool play. Not too bad Canberra.
The only pool play game we haven’t talked about: Power v Dragons. To be honest I didn’t think it was that thrilling a match up, but it turns out HBO made an entire, eight season television show out of it. And just like Game of Thrones, and this article actually, the ending kind of sucked.
I’m trying to say the match up was a draw. I mean, the Dragons couldn’t defeat the concept of power any more than the concept of power could kill twenty dragons. So here we are. Draws go to shirt colour legitness, and based on a very brief google search I see no reason why Dragons can’t be orange. Congratulations Adelaide, you’re on the board.
The Power finish 2-3 and the Dragons finish 1-4 after pool play.
We finally made it. Jeez. Put away the Thunderdome for now, we’ve got the final standings:
Congratulations to the Suns! This article was written before all the draft picks have even been announced but, nonetheless, and in lieu of genuine punditry from Inside Out Ultimate, I think some of these predictions aren’t bad. Bang on, I reckon. I’ll stake my reputation on it being exactly 100% correct.
Woah, update from this article's future (your present): The actual Australian Ultimate League starts very soon! On the 22nd of August! So get out to their website to buy a jersey and make a fantasy team. Read some articles that are actually about the League and all the superstars in it. Plus liking all the Facebook pages is good for brand awareness!
Will there be a Newcastle franchise next year? And, if so, what will their mascot be? Thanks for reading. It can't have been easy.
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