JUST IN: Self-conscious Ultimate player Sheila Wong has blatantly lied about what sport she plays when innocently questioned by an in-store shoe specialist.
Out for a spot of cleat shopping, Wong was attempting to execute the classic ‘try them on in-store then buy them on the internet for much less’ gambit, when things went horribly wrong.
“I was just browsing Nike Mercurials for my size when one of the shop assistants came up and asked if he could help,” recalled Wong, tears forming in her eyes. “Intrusive a-hole.”
It was then, according to witnesses, that Wong instinctively and blatantly lied straight to the face of the hapless store employee. Not wanting to struggle through the questions about playing with dogs and the half-masked smirks that usually accompany “Ultimate Frisbee”, she blurted out that she was an avid soccer player looking for a new pair of cleats for an upcoming inner-city lunchtime league.
Despite not knowing Ronaldo from Ronald Weasley, Wong then went on to say that her old cleats were worn out from “too much soccer-ing”. The lies flowed so freely and easily that passersby said they seemed “a little pathological”.
“I went down the most obvious route with soccer, thinking that it would deter him from asking any more questions,” Wong continued. “Boy, was I wrong.”
“At this point, I was in too deep and had to just keep going with it.”
The inconveniently affable shoe section attendant went on to ask Wong if she was a defender or played more in the midfield. In a bid to kill the conversation she joking said she spent most of her time on the bench. Undeterred, the salesman continued his interrogation, explaining he was an administrator of a local league and hadn’t seen her around. Desperate to escape this self-made hell, Wong grabbed some garbage Adidas cleats and fanged it to the register.
“To be honest, now that I’ve had some time to process it, it was a real thrill,” said Wong with a devilish glint in her eye.
“He didn’t look at me with confusion or pity, he looked at me with respect. I wonder what sport I should pretend to play when I go compression short shopping next weekend…?”