Julian Hayworth, captain of ‘Red Flag Flatball Club’, has quit his telemarketing job to pursue a career in stand up comedy after the apparent success of his “funny” spirit talk at a league game on Wednesday.
R.F.F.C. managed a two point victory against their adolescent opposition, suring up seventh place in division three of the North West Ultimate League. The game was largely uneventful, with almost no funny falcons or drops to talk about, yet still Hayworth was able to produce nine minutes of material.
According to one eyewitness, Julian began by saying, “Thanks for coming out guys, even though I know it’s a school night, ha!” The same eyewitness noted that it was largely downhill from there.
“I’d just like to say I thought you guys played really good, just not good enough... No! Ha! I’m kidding. You were good. I don’t think the scoreline really reflected the game... we should have won by way more! Haha! No, kidding again.”
“Just a bit of a joke,” he said, encouraged by smatterings of polite chuckles. “I’ll be doing a few more of those.”
Three minutes of well-worn ‘Frisbee is the real winner’ cliches, some edgy disc-based double entendre and many clearly telegraphed subversions of spirit talk tropes followed, with a steady decrease in the volume of laughter.
“I know we don’t usually do an MVP prize, but I’ve got to say, some of the best work out there came from Janine…’s cookies. I’m kidding, of course, they were oatmeal. Chocolate chip next time, thanks Janine!”
“Hey! What’s the deal with oatmeal?” he said, launching into a Seinfeldian takedown of milled grains and porridge. This “riff” led into some observational comedy about breakfast cereals, which in turn inspired a disturbing impersonation of a bottle of full cream milk. At this point, the R.F.F.C vice captain took it upon herself to get the three cheers under way.
Many described the spirit talk as the longest nine minutes of their lives.
Julian Hayworth will be performing his one-man show, “Look Out, Muesli”, on a street corner near you soon.